Welcome to our regular recipe column from teacher and stand-up comedian Sarah Whitmore. This time around, Sarah gives popsicles an apocalyptic (and adult) makeover.
Story, recipe and photos by Sarah Whitmore
Recently you received this email:
Dear Earth Inhabitant,
Your government hopes (but doubts) you are well. We are writing to inform you that you are either A or B:
Circle A if you are a medical professional or Costco employee.
Otherwise, circle B.
If you circled A, please go directly to New York where you will notice that ALL COSTCO EMPLOYEES HAVE BEEN GRANTED MEDICAL LICENSURE.
If you circled B, put your jammies on.
(Your All Powerful Global Overlords)
If there’s one thing this horrid virus has confirmed, it’s that bosses, you know the ones at companies—they are day-tanked. What else could explain this recent company-wide memo:
Dear Full and Part-time Employees,
Please continue, full steam ahead, with the important tasks I have employed you to do. However, at this time—it’d be a lot cooler if you did it at your house.
Your intuition was on point: In fact, you don’t need to go to that crappy office and sit next to mouth-breather Dennis to do this tedious work. Clearly we could have been working from home all along.
Now that we are all Director of Onsite Operations, it’s time we started acting like it. Support local viticulture by making yourself a batch of . . . call them what you will: Pandemic Pops, Apocalypsicles, Drunk Popsicles? Do names matter anymore?
These are a delicious adult treat. The elderberry syrup provides a nice layer of flavor, with the added benefit of making you feel like you are eating a lung-tonifying health food (when really you’re just consuming an alcoholic dessert).
Non-drinker? Do your part to support local essential workers by handing these treats out during hospital and grocery store shift changes—to the departing workers.
This is not a popsicle for children. It’s for their parents, who have been dragged by their ankles—fingernails scratching along the sidewalk—to home-school confinement centers. I repeat: THIS IS A TREAT FOR GROWN UPS—BECAUSE WE ARE HAVING A HARD TIME RIGHT NOW!
Pandemic Pops Recipe
16 ounces capped strawberries OR pitted cherries (fresh or frozen)
2 tablespoons elderberry syrup
3-4 tablespoons brown sugar (note: cherries are sweeter than strawberries)
1 cup red wine (13% ABV or lower works best)
1 medium-sized green pear, peeled and chopped
2 cups green grapes
¼ teaspoon fresh ginger, peeled and grated
1 cup champagne or sparkling wine (13% ABV or lower works best)
3 tablespoons white, granulated sugar
Handful of fresh, un-sprayed lavender buds.
For either pop:
Fully combine ingredients (minus lavender) in a blender or food processor until very smooth.
For Green Apocalypsicle, sprinkle a few lavender buds into molds before adding blended mixture.
Immediately pour blended mixture into popsicle molds. (Honestly, at this point, why not use ice cube trays? Later, float cubes in a pint glass of vodka.)
Enjoy all spring and summer—by yourself, at home.